The See Something, Say Something Guide to Identifying a Jihadi
by Ryan Johann Perry
This winter is a tricky time to be a fearful, paranoid American. Trying to parse which fear you should prioritize amidst lying politicians, micro-aggressions, spectacle news media, celebrity deaths and your xeroxed opinions is tricky. That is why “See Something, Say Something” is not merely a reprise of Hitler Youth for the iphone generation, it is a great opportunity to work for the government while on your way to and from the Outlet Mall.
The “Where's Waldo” of our current Oscar season is ISIS, but spotting a Jihadist can be difficult. In summer, they stick out like a dime-piece on the beach. In winter, with Playoff Beards everywhere, it requires a keen discerning eye as well as the ability to think on your feet with Putin like indiscriminate, violent decision making..
Popular culture can indeed cultivate a belly-full-of-fear bigotry on par with any Black Lives Matter or Westboro Baptist groupie, but for those looking to take it to the next level, ISIS and foreigners, I provide you with a quick guide to turning your own fear into fifteen minutes on CNN. So without further ado or ramblings hither and yon, I give you 5 Easy Steps to Identifying a Jihadist.
1. If you are at a company party and the co-worker you thought was Indian never cut his 'movember beard', has not touched the Jungle Juice, and is staring down Abraham, the 'Spielberg movie fan', as he spins his Dreidel, excuse yourself and call the government.
2. Be sure they're not a hipster. Shooting hipsters may get you in trouble. Hipsters are not necessarily white, often times ISIS can be mistaken with Latino's. An important detail to look for prior to spraying bullets is tight jeans. These are clear indicators of hipsterdom and firing is frowned upon. This is probably the most difficult to decipher, as black skullcaps favored by neo-Zarqawis look great with capri pants and The Who t-shirts.
3. Scream “Takbir!” (toc-beer) while in earshot of a possible Jihadi and wait for a response. If they scream and run or respond with “What the fuck?” or “Oh Shit!” it is a false identification and you should stand down. If they smile and yell “Allah Akbar” or something you do not understand and are certain it is not English, fire at will. (Note, if they say “alla acá ” it is Spanish for “beyond here”, meaning a. they didn't understand what you said, or b. they may be on Mescaline and are speaking in weird Mexican Koans).
4. Islamic State and Nation of Islam sound similar but they are different. If you are white they both hate you, but only one will saw your head off on the internet. A quick test for the preservation of your dome-piece is to create, a la Reservoir Dogs, a believable anecdote. For the purpose of outing a Jihadi, I like to use some stolen personal memorabilia as my central idea: if the suspects response when you ask how to stop this thievery is “You deserve to be robbed, you blue-eyed devil, as you have robbed my people for 400 years” and he is wearing a tie, he is just Nation of Islam, and only wishes for your demise. If the suspect responds with “amputation of the right hand in accordance to Sharia Law” call the government!
5. If they have only read one book in the whole of their lives, chances are they are an extremist of some sort. While this may apply to some Christians, Christians tend to drown their children in bathtubs and shoot abortion doctors who prevent other mothers from drowning their children in bathtubs. What this means basically, is that Christians are harmless unless you are under ten years old.